Archive for June 2011

Be Still, Be Silent…   Leave a comment

Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our refuge.Psalm 46:10-11 (KJV)

I grew up in what at the time was referred to as a “microwave” society, the 1980’s. Of course, at the  time computers were just coming on to the market and a “web” was still something that spiders made and you cleaned them out of the corners of your house.

We just thought that was a time of “instant gratification”. Compared to today with the internet, social media, text messaging, 24/7 cable news coverage. It is VERY easy to get pulled into information and activity OVERLOAD.

It seems that we are always GOING to do SOMETHING somewhere.  Community Meetings, school functions, sports activities, church, social gatherings, etc. We are so BUSY, we have minimal time to relate and interact with those living breathing souls that we live with, much less, setting a side to spend in relationship with our God and Father.

Because of this, we get more and more stressed, anxious, depressed and overwhelmed. For many of we are not “addicts”, but our lives have “become unmanageable”. We make decisions on the fly and react to situations rather than thinking them through completely. Then we are often faced with negative consequences as a result of these poor choices.

We appear to all those around us to be “super-human”, accomplishing so much and ALWAYS having a smile on our face. Yet, just below the surface, we are shattered to pieces and no one could ever imagine just how weak we feel and how much we are hurting. But, in the world we are strong and confident. Our world feels like it is literally falling apart around us, and we are drowning in the undertow of our circumstances.

This reminds me of a story that I heard many years ago about recognizing the hand and voice of God in our circumstances.

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The Flood Story
A flood threatens a town, forcing everyone to evacuate, But Joe thinks,
“I’m a devout man, God will save me,” and stays put. As the waters rise, Joe’s neighbor comes by and says, “Joe come with me, we’ve got to go.” Joe declines,
“I’m a devout man; God will save me.”

The waters keeps rising, Joe scrambles to his second floor. A firefighter in a rowboat comes by. “Get in the boat or you’ll drown,” he says. Joe again declines, saying, “God will save me.”
Finally, the flood waters force Joe to his roof. A police helicopter comes by and throws down a rope. “Climb up or you’ll drown,” the policeman yells. “No, I’m a devout man, God will save me,” Joe replies.

Soon, Joe drowns.
He arrives in heaven and challenges God.
“Why didn’t you help me?”

“What do you mean?” God says.

“I did help. I sent a neighbor, a firefighter and a helicopter.”

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“He has promised that He will not let us be tempted with more than we can handle. In the words of the story, He won’t let you drown.  Even in the midst of the storm, and there WILL be storms and trials, He will provide an escape. We just can not be like Joe and refuse his Hans when he stretches it out to us.” I Corinthians 10:13

But, how in the midst of the chaos that surrounds us day in and day out are we suppose to recognize His hand and voice? We learn to recognize His hand and voice just like we do anyone else’s. Spending time together. The instance we were born, we recognized our parents’ voices, why because even without seeing them we listened to them for the first 9 months of our existence. Despite not seeing Him if we WILL listen he speaks to us everyday.

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, Romans 1:20

 

Then He said, “Go out, and stand on the mountain before the LORD.” And behold, the LORD passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice.  So it was, when Elijah heard it, that he wrapped his face in his mantle and went out and stood in the entrance of the cave.  1 Kings 19:11-13

Whether it be His hand at work in His creation, or the “Still small voice” of His spirit speaking to us from within, He IS speaking.

A third time the LORD called, “Samuel!” And Samuel got up and went to Eli and said, “Here I am; you called me.”

Then Eli realized that the LORD was calling the boy. 9 So Eli told Samuel, “Go and lie down, and if he calls you, say, ‘Speak, LORD, for your servant is listening.’” So Samuel went and lay down in his place.

The LORD came and stood there, calling as at the other times, “Samuel! Samuel!”

Then Samuel said, “Speak, for your servant is listening.”

And the LORD said to Samuel…..  I Samuel 3:8-11

He calls each of us by name, but we are to busy filling our ears with the things of this world or our minds with worries and fears.

STOP – LOOK – LISTEN

We all remember that simple reminder don’t we?

Stop – Don’t take another step

Look– Pay attention to situation around you.  Look at the BIG picture.

Listen – CLOSE your mouth… and open your ears and more               importantly your heart.

This brings me back to where we began; we must SLOW down, Be STILL, Be SILENT, and LISTEN!

We have long forgotten that prayer is not a one way street of communication. It is not just to tell him what we need and how “terrible” our life is”.

In the midst of ALL our crisis he is there is watching. He strengthens in our time of weakness.

Hast thou not known? hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary? there is no searching of his understanding.

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall:

But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.   Isaiah 40: 28-31

Also remember when you feel your weakest remember, that HIS strength is made perfect/complete in our weakness.

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  ‎2 Corinthians 12:9

 I know I have been a little all over the place but I hope that you have been able to follow, my frenetic thoughts. Summing up:

 STOP –

Much of our difficulties or stress is SELF-IMPOSED due to being over committed.

Insure that you have time to take care of yourself.

Finally and most importantly, MAKE time to sit and be quiet in prayer and meditation.

LOOK –

Look at the BIG picture, not just on the circumstances at this moment.

Look at your life and situations from God’s point of view.

Look for His hand at work in even the “small stuff”. He is JUST as interested in your “small tuff” as He is the “BIG.”

LISTEN –

Be quiet, open your heart and ears.

Be willing to listen to the advice of Godly counsel.

Listen with your eyes by reading His Word.

EVERY traveler has to stop at a rest stop ever now and then. We have to have time to “refuel” and get “the oil changed” sometimes.  If we don’t we will burn out and blow up the engine.

It is OK to take a break.  Just don’t stay in the pits!

Be blessed and may your eyes, ears and hearts be open as the Lord speaks to and guides you each and every day!

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So You Think You Know Me….   4 comments

The Paradox of Masks

“Society is a masked ball, where every one hides his real character,and reveals it by hiding” Ralph Waldo Emerson

We all wear a mask from time to time, many of us more than one and to tell the truth some of us live in them.  I consider the afore mentioned quote, “Society is a masked ball….” I envision people all standing around talking, but each is holding a masquerade mask covering his/her face. Then as someone leaves one group to visit with a different group, they change masks before they get to the next group.

 Even the great Apostle Paul said the following, “I have become all things to all people” in 1 Corinthians 9:22.

It is actually natural and healthy to adapt and conceal our parts personality to a degree when we are interacting in different situations or settings.  We all have different roles that we play. We  are a father/mother, a husband/wife, son/daughter,  supervisor/employee, teacher/student, a friend, etc. In each of these roles, we portray a little different version of ourselves than we do with the others. This adaption is normal and expected. I was recently discussing the concept of masks with some other travelers on the “Road” and the idea came to me that in these situations, it is more like having a veil that only partially hides the face; we partially conceal our true personality rather than covering it entirely.

However, many of have taken that next step and we wear a various masks, thus hiding our true personality entirely.

The question that must be asked is, “Why?” Why do we feel it is a necessity to wear masks and hide who we really are from others?

There are many different answers to this question; we will focus on the one that fits more than any other.

Life experiences have taught that others can not be trusted. If others are allowed “too close”, then they will disappoint and hurt us.

What kind of hurts have we experienced? These include: abuse, neglect, rejection, abandonment, just to name a few.

I know in my life personally, I felt abandoned and rejected by my mother. So in order to feel loved and accepted, I would enter a group and look around at the attitudes, behaviors and personalities of others in the group and I would proverbially, paint my mask to be similar to theirs.

The mask that I wore more than any other was the mask of caretaker and hero. Everyone of my “romantic” relationships up until I met my now wife of 15 years, were very co-dependent and dysfunctional. I figured that I wasn’t good enough for the “normal” girls. So I found subconsciously I sought out someone that needed to be “fixed” or “taken care of” as much as I needed to be needed.

Along my way on this journey, I have met MANY others that due to whatever reason, they have taken on the same types of behaviors. We have become people pleasers and co-dependent, seeking to insure that EVERYONE else is happy even when doing so makes us miserable on the inside.

This is no surprise to anyone, but if we live our lives hiding behind a mask, we will never be happy or find peace. We go from place to place and group to group always making sure that we are wearing the “right” mask for the occasion. Then we find ourselves in a crisis when we encounter people from different groups simultaneously. For example you out to dinner with your significant other, and “one of the guys” form the office comes up to you and tells you an off color joke that you know that your date is going to find offensive. What do you do? Which mask to you reveal?

Although I know it’s unfair I reveal myself one mask at a time” Stephen Dunn

 “It’s a terrible thing to be alone — yes it is — it is — but don’t lower your mask until you have another mask prepared beneath –as terrible as you like –but a mask.”Katherine Mansfield

There comes a point that as much as he hate it as unhappy as we are wearing masks, we get to the point that we no longer know how to live without them. We do not know how to interact and relate with others in any other way. We wear s certain mask for so long that we “become” the mask that we wear, yet we despise every moment of it, and start hating ourselves for getting to that point. We are miserable within our own skin and consciousness and have no idea what to do about it. This misery has led to many of the self-destructive habits and behaviors that led to us being on this journey; substance abuse, self-harming, eating disorders, suicide attempts and ideation, etc.

“Sometimes people carry to such perfection the mask they have assumed that in due course they actually become the person they seem.”  William Somerset Maugham

 “He who wears a mask cannot see within himself.” Anonymous

“The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are. You trade in your reality for a role. …You give up your ability to feel, and in exchange, put on a mask.” Jim Morrison

We have gotten to the point that we have completely lost knowing who we really are because all we see is the mask. We have even tried to “look inside” and we don’t know “who we are” anymore. Our personality has become so enmeshed with our mask, we do not know which are which and what emotions are real and which are the result of wearing the mask. Eventually, we get to the point that we stop feeling completely.

So, no what? Seems like the picture that I have painted to this point looks pretty grey and dreary, BUT there is hope! One day at a time, one step at a time we can RECLAIM our emotions, our behavior and ultimately our personality!

First of all you MUST learn to believe in ourselves again, and that often entails rebuilding our self-esteem.  Here is an except from a previous post “Baby Steps – Self-Esteem”

Self-Esteem has to be built from the ground up and learning to walking in it really is a step by step process. Let me borrow from a life experience and lesson that we have ALL learned from.

When a child learns to walk, he/she does not turn 10-months old and just start walking independently. There are MANY smaller steps that have occurred over the months leading up to day.  He/she rolled over, scooted, crawled, pulled up to stand, etc. He/she took one “baby step” after another until he/she got to the point of taking those first steps. Even then, once he/she starts walking, there are going to be falls, bumps, and bruises.  Does the child give up? NO. He/she cries for a bit, but then gets up and tries again. Slowly but surely, he/she gets better and better, more stable, and ultimately more and more confident.

We must translate these same “baby steps” into our recovery. As we start out, we slowly put one foot in front of the other, a little wobbly at first and reaching out and relying on our support systems to a degree. We begin with simple say day to day challenges: getting out of bed, taking a shower, eating, going to support groups or meetings. If faced with more difficult decisions we seek counsel from among our peers and support. As we grow more confident and stable in making these simple day to day decisions and solving problems, we gradually start taking on more difficult ones. Again, we are becoming more and more confident in the process. Just as with the child learning to walk, we are learning that there is hope, we can be successful and it really is not as scary a place as we thought that it was. We have learned to be hopeful, seeing ourselves and our circumstances from a optimistic perspective, seeing the good that our lives can be and how we can be an asset to those around us.

I want to leave you with a few practical exercises to help as you begin “crawling” in your self-esteem:

  1.  List 5 positive things that other people have said about you.
  2.  List 5 positive things about yourself.(Attributes or accomplishments)
  3. Share a compliment with 5 other people.
  4. Do something unrepentantly kind for someone that you perceive to be  “worse off” than you.

As you complete each “step” take out a pen and journal about how completing the activity made you feel. Take note to how you feel about your self before and after each activity.

Of course that is just the FIRST step, and as we all know that is a definite chore in and of itself. The good news is that as we are working on our self esteem, we become more and aware of our aware, comfortably and happy with our REAL personality. As we do so, then how do we get out from behind the mask and start revealing this “new person”.

Similarly, to building our self-esteem, we MUST take BABY steps. We start by taking little risk in trusted and safe relationships.

You and a group of friends are going to the movies and they are discussing what to go see, SPEAK UP! Jump into the discussion and share your opinion. Very low risk, but you’re giving yourself and your wants/needs a voice.

Slowly, over time take bigger and bigger risks in your relationships.

I know this sounds paradoxically TOO simple, yet at the time very difficult. The techniques are rather simple, the application “not so much”. I know from experience that working through the emotions related to this issue can be very painful. But I ask you, would you rather suffer the pain of dealing with the issues that got you to where you are, or do you want to continue to suffer in the misery of nothingness hidden behind a mask.

I hope pray that you choose to BELIEVE in the good that is within and the good in others.

When you hide behind a mask, it is like taking a priceless jewel and hiding its beauty from those desiring to admire it. You steal a little piece of the beauty out of the world.

So as was so appropriately stated my Jim Morrison, “The most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are.”

Be Free,           Be Beautiful,                Be Happy!

Out of the Darkness a Light Arises   1 comment

I hope that you all will be as encouraged as I was when I read this message from a friend and fellow traveler on the “Road to Recovery”. Thanks for sharing it with us Tiffany!

My testimony, hope it encourages someone today, I’m a believer who struggled with alcohol and codependency. The insanity of my life before recovery, I was already born into an addictive family. Now this part of my story is important because this is how it began and why I chose the path I did. My dad was codependent and based his life on addictive behaviors on alcohol, drugs, money and woman. My mom was really heavy into drugs and alcohol as well. That is where I come in, my dad was married and had a family with someone and my mom was his nanny, I was the creation of their chaos. When I was two my mom was so messed up on drugs that she had abandoned me, she left me unattended for three weeks, remember my age only two. The only reason I am alive today from that period of time was a neighbor lady that heard me crying, she called someone and told them they haven’t seen anyone in that house for at least three weeks, she then called the police, I was sitting there in the corner soiled diaper, blanket and in the cross legged position, with barely any energy to move, still not sure how I had enough energy to cry. They ended up putting me in the hospital for dehydration, they were wondering how I was still alive, and the only thing I know sure was God himself. They ended finding my dad for he was already moved on with another family somewhere in Medford, Wisconsin and he came to pick me up. He was moved in with another family so I gained a stepmother and a brother and sister whom my dad had adopted. And at the age of two my mother neglected me to the point my legs were stuck in a sitting position, I didn’t learn how to walk until age three, that is what can happen to a child if they are not taken care of and what drugs can do to a person. I later found out that the reason I was stuck in this position is because I was sexually abused by my father, a lot of men that my mom partied with and my grandpa, this was the position I would sit after it happened to me being scared. Through this time my dad had spent time on his business and was very much absent in my life. His new addiction had become working and money. While he was busy with that he sent me to private school so we would look like we had the perfect family on the outside and the inside. My dad had the money the perfect family, the luxury vehicles he had everything from what people could see, at least that’s what it looked like from the outside. On the inside it was far from perfect. While my father was gone with business my stepmother was a very sad and angry woman. She was physically and verbally abusive to me for many years of my life until I was fifteen. During these years, I was going to private school and I knew then and there I was not like everyone else. I never seem to feel like I belonged anywhere no matter what I did. I was top in cheerleading and I was the track star, yet still never felt like I belonged, from the outside it seemed like I had it all together but on the inside I was dying and felt very lost. No matter how many people were around I felt very alone always. As I mentioned before my stepmother was very much emotionally and severely physically abusive to me on a daily basis, I never knew what the day was going to bring. Finally one day my brother had had enough of the abuse he was involved as well, she had bashed both of our heads together before school, he then told school about it that morning and the police were called and we were put in a foster home. I was so lost I felt guilt feeling it was my entire fault, rejected by my dad and wondering what was next. I stayed in a foster home for about two weeks, then my mother, yes my birth mother was informed and she asked the county to give me to her. So they sent me to Red Wing to go live with her. She took me in because she knew that the child support checks would be huge. She also was remarried at the time and they both used drugs and drink together, that is where all the child support went to, their drugs and alcohol. Everyday was a mystery as to what mood she was in and wondering if I could just run and hide, she would have parties always at the house and she was also emotionally and physically abusive to me as well. The words that killed the most daily were the words she told me that I was a mistake and I ruined her life, she always told me how ugly I was and would never amount to nothing. You can imagine what that had done to my already broken image of myself. I felt more rejected than ever by my own mother and was always wondering what was wrong with me, I went to school in Red Wing for a very short time, again a time where I didn’t feel like I belonged, this was the point in my life where I didn’t even know where life was bringing me anymore, I was lost and rejected by my father and my mother for the second time, this point of my life I just tried giving up. The school could tell something was going on at the home, they took me into the office, I knew the drill ask questions, try not to answer without having fear in my voice of what would happen if they sent me back home. From that moment on they called police and the county had me removed from the home, and then later on the county had declared my mother unfit and they legally emancipated me from her. Once the county has custody over you they can place you wherever they want, so at age sixteen I was tossed from here to there crisis centers, more foster homes, just really anywhere they had a spot for me, this went on for two years until I was eighteen. I had no sense of self, no meaning to life, still lost and wondering what to do next. Well I started drinking and then people started liking me I finally felt like I fit in, people actually liked me and they had something in common with me they liked to drink as much as I did. I at the time lived in Rochester, Minnesota and hung out with the wrong crowd, finally had gotten my own place and of course me being the people pleaser, here was this small town girl hanging out with thugs and drug dealers, not knowing the danger I was getting myself into. At that moment all I cared about was having people that accepted me, and getting drunk and having fun, for once in my life I was actually having fun and people loved me, at least so I thought. There was always parties and people I didn’t know at my house, but I didn’t care they brought over the drinks and all was well. This all stopped when my friends boyfriend came over with two of his boys, I can still picture it to this day, they knocked on the door sounded very angry, they packed guns under their jacket and told us to be still while they just stood with their guns revealed to us, they were stranding there and handled their business with her boyfriend in the other room, I’m guessing he ripped them off. I have never sat still in my life I had no idea if they were going to kill us right at the spot or let us go after they were done, I never experienced anything like this so I didn’t know what it all partook of. Well by the grace of God I’m still here. From that day on I no longer let anyone in my apartment that I didn’t know and I stopped partying for awhile and during that time I lost my apartment because of everything that went on there, because when you’re drinking you don’t really care about anything or anyone else around you. I became homeless lived in a shelter for quite some time and then found a friend that needed a roommate, and then the drinking began again. When I drink I could never have just one I always had to drink to become numb I didn’t want to feel any feelings or remember how rejected I felt. The number the better, I at that point didn’t care at that moment if I lived or if my life was taken, I was pretty hopeless. Well at age nineteen with all the partying I did, I met someone that told me he loved me and of course I believed him, I fell in love, well so I thought and we decided that we were so in love, well during this time me and my roommate had partied our way out of that apartment as well, so I ended up out of desperation calling my mother, yes I put myself back in that situation, I had no other choice, but this is just the beginning of my nightmare that I didn’t realize was going to happen. Well me and this guy that we were so in love ended up moving in with my mom. This is when my mom finally tried to be my friend and bought me alcohol whenever I needed it and this also was the time when I found out the true colors of this man, he became verbally, physically and sexually abusive to me. My mom knew that he was physically abusive she heard and saw it and she didn’t care, she actually told me its all that I will ever deserve, can you believe that I believed her. She bought the marriage license for him and told me we were going to get married through the courts, I was scared what was I going to do say no. I was married to this man for three years, we moved into our own place and that is when I was shut away from the world for three years, no phone, no social life if I took too long to bring the garbage out I would get severe punishment. We would get along for awhile when would drink than he would get very angry and out of control, that is when it got really bad, I would just drink more so I wouldn’t have to feel pain or emotion I literally everyday tried to numb any feelings that I would have. I ended up having a son with him, while I was pregnant he would throw full beer cans at my stomach, try and throw me down the stairs, cheat on my in front of me, there was never a time when I wasn’t scared and when I had my son Dante it was no better. He would just abuse me in front of my son and continue to drink and it got to a point when my son was crying in the bathtub and he told him to make him stop crying and he then came into the bathroom and stuck my sons head under the water, he said if I cried or said anything I would get it, so I had to sit there and watch him put my sons head under water afraid if he was going to live or die and I was crying so hard trying not to make a sound just wanting to lift him out and comfort him. Can you imagine the guilt I carried around having to watch that and what I was putting my child through because of this, it finally came to an end after the third year, he tried to take my life by strangulation and I finally got some courage ran out the door and called the police. They came and arrested him. It was just me and my son alone. I had no job he didn’t let me work, I was so lost. This is where I became the person I swore I never would be. After we got divorced I would start drinking until I couldn’t drink anymore when my son was asleep. My drinking got to the point where I ended up leaving my son at home by himself while he was sleeping so I could go drink, how selfish was I. this was my breaking point, I looked back on my life and saw what I had to go through without two parents and a stable environment and it was then I made the biggest decision of my life for my sons sake. I gave my son Dante up for adoption when he was two so he could have the life and family I never had and everything that I couldn’t offer him. This happened I felt like I failed as a person, a mother, a daughter I was just living in allot of self blame for everything that had happened in my life. My life was still a mystery and I still kept messing up. After the adoption, you guessed it I started drinking like a fish I was becoming a regular at the bars in red wing, dj.s knew what songs to play when I already got there, I just wanted to numb myself once again and didn’t care about what happened to me, I had no self dignity anymore, I gave myself away and kept getting drunk, it finally started to consume to a point where I couldn’t function unless I had alcohol in my system. I continually accepted anyone who accepted me and gave myself away because I had no self worth or dignity anymore and at that time in my mind that is all I deserved. And of course because of my codependency I met a man about a year after I was divorced, he seemed like the normal guy, super nice at first treated me like a princess bought me lots of things, I had never received anything like this before, it was amazing for the moment. We decided that we would get married and so we made wedding plans we partied together always, so we thought we had tons in common, little did I know that’s all we had in common besides the point he finally treated me like a human being he made me feel loved. He began to become emotionally abusive and when he was drinking he would sometime force himself on me even when I would say no, I had to just lay there and cry. Eventually I ended up pregnant and we had son together, things seemed to be getting better, wedding was on the way, he was treating me a little better, but it just got to be a breaking point when I couldn’t take the emotional stuff anymore. Money and things were not enough for me to be happy he couldn’t buy my happiness anymore. I ended up leaving and he decided to tell me I will never make it on my own and that nobody would ever want me after he was done. Well he made the not making it, again I was a stay at home mom, he wouldn’t let me work, so after I left, lost the apartment, he just kept filling my head with negativity, he used my abusive past against me and knew that family in Anthony’s life was important to me, so he made me believe that if I give him full custody of Anthony would be the best thing for him, and at that moment and time he had me so much emotionally destroyed I actually believed him and I ended up giving him full custody of my son. Here comes another failure to me in my life, so what do you think I did, of course started drinking and numbing myself, every time he called he would remind me that Anthony is happier there and said he is better off there, so when I heard this I thought in my own mind at that time that my son didn’t need me and that I would just mess up his life if I was in it, because that is what I continued to hear, so I actually believed it, its been almost two years since I have seen him now and his dad still likes to make stabs at me, I’m in hope that it is never too late to build up that relationship his father took away from me. During this time I had more guilt and shame and negative messages that I just wanted to numb away so I went back to drinking, you would think after all of this, I would have hit my rock bottom by now but I was far from it. I still continued to drink and give myself away because if I couldn’t feel any worse or have any value it kept going downhill and so did my dignity. A year later I met someone else and he was nice at first, see this is the insanity part after everything that had happened I just thought I needed someone to fill that void, so here I go again.Codependancy and alcohol were huge battles that I had to overcome. He was nice but he would always yell at me and put me down in front of other people and at this point I just didn’t care anymore, I thought this is how I am supposed to be treated so I put up with it, I just got to a point in my life that I was just going to settle for anything, no matter how I was treated. While I was with him on the weekends it was after work, he ended up yelling at me and I ended up going out and numbing up what I had just heard and of course everything else that I have been avoiding forever. This is the night I almost lost my life, I don’t really recall much from that night how I got my keys or where I was driving to, I remember waking up in the hospital with blood all over my face and in my hair and the doctor telling me I had gotten into an accident. I ended up with a concussion and biting through my lip, I have a scare there to remind me everyday how it happened. I ended up being a .22 alcohol level. Again it is by God’s grace I am here, the ambulance driver even came back and said I shouldn’t even be here and that someone was watching over me because the amount of blood I had lost would have killed someone and where I had hit, if I would have hit any harder I would have right over the edge and it was a dark place where trains passed through nobody would have found me. This was my wake up call, but it wasn’t enough. I ended up putting myself into outpatient treatment and going like I should. But when you live in red wing and you’re an alcoholic and going across the bridge to thirsty Thursday was the topic of discussion in class what do you think me and half the other class did, went to thirsty Thursday and drink the cold beer we were trying no to think about or crave. So almost losing my life and outpatient treatment wasn’t obviously enough. I got to a point where I had to go and say lock me away from all alcohol I need impatient care, please I really can’t do this. I finally got to go to inpatient treatment at Albert lea fountain centers. It was the best experience of my life. That is when I knew that all I had in common with nick and all my other friends were drinking but with my codependency I thought nick was the best I could get. We ended up together for three years and we had my son Devon together. He was emotionally abusive to me it was consistent put downs all the time that is all I heard. I was his secret; he didn’t tell his family about me being in his life or me being pregnant until the day before I had him. I was smaller than an average seven month pregnant woman, I ended up having Devon two months early, I was with him in the NICU for six weeks, his dad would come now and then, he was always too busy drinking, he would consistently call me and put me down he even came to the NICU drunk one day, it was embarrassing and he started yelling at me and I just took it all in, I stayed with him for two more years thinking things would get better they didn’t, it just got worse, the only time we got along was when we drink otherwise it was like I was living with a stranger, I would pretend to fall asleep on the couch so I wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore I did this for almost a year and a half, and when we to his family, I would pretend to have the happy family face on. The third year I finally reached my turning point I wasn’t putting up with it anymore, I left, I left everything behind and me and Devon moved to a shelter in St.Cloud,it was scary but its what had to be done for me and my sons happiness. I swore in my mind no more bad relationships. I stayed sober for three years was really involved and then got too comfortable. I though I could be a norm again, why do we always think that. I was thinking and making myself believe I could have just one, well I could for awhile and then that’s when it of course took a turn for the worst. On the weekends I didn’t have Devon I would go drink it wasn’t to search anymore it was just to drink, I didn’t need to talk to anyone I just wanted to be numb, I just got to point where I didn’t want to do it anymore so by God’s grace I quit and started celebrate recovery. I wasn’t going to mess this time up. I ended up giving my testimony right away and it was amazing experience for me. I had always had that love for God in me, but at my darkest moments through these times I didn’t think that I deserved God’s grace or forgiveness, I was very angry with him. Between being at the shelter and going to church and being able to go to celebrate recovery really helped me out. I was doing really well, until I find out my dad is in hospital critical condition, I go to Wisconsin to be by his side, praying for him and just holding his hand, he was unable to speak, I had so many questions and so much to say, but I just held his hand until the moment he took his last breath. This was very hard for me to take in. The things left unsaid not knowing if my dad was saved and his greed had been buried with him, he was so obsessed with material possessions that he was buried in an actual Mercedes Benz coffin, this just reminded me every time I saw this that he had not only abandoned me but another family for his money and business, it was hard to take all in, I just learned this much that he was hurting too. But with this came a relapse, again drinking it all away, I right at this very moment wanted to end it all, I wanted to just never wake up, what a selfish thing, but that is how I felt, so I continued drink that whole week after dad died, didn’t have Devon so why not just get obliviated and not have to think about anything. This was a year ago today. I was done doing this self pity party I had for myself after that week and gave up the drinking again. I was doing very well staying in the program again life was good for the drinking part. Me and Devon were still in transition moving everywhere, I felt like I failed my son for having to move so much and the what ifs started kicking in, if I only would have stayed Devon would be happy. I started getting back into the dating world this time I wasn’t drinking and so I thought just maybe ill find that right person. I was still in control of my own choices I wasn’t letting God make the choices for me and here comes that codependency thing again. I was very strong in my faith but I guess not ready for God to take that whole wheel yet, I asked him to, but I still wanted to steer. I got into this relationship with a man that I met online, ok I am going to speak a little in my flesh and say he was a boy mindset that was. We started dating and he told me everything I wanted to hear, he was Christian he was in recovery and he believes that it was God’s will that he was placed in my life.O.K. So I believed him for awhile we ended up thinking this was going good, we moved in together everything was going good. This is when God did some revealing to me, this is a man that had told me it was God’s will for us to be together but hadn’t even opened up a bible yet, every time I tried to leave he would always tell me God keeps telling me not to give up on us so of course in my mind I’m trying to believe him, I’m getting stronger in my faith in this time and I am feeling so disconnected to this man that God said personally this is not my will for you Tiffany you need to leave and leave now. This is my breaking point in my codependency was this very year a few months ago. I finally sat with him on the couch and said this isn’t working; I don’t want to be a part of this any longer, I’m leaving. Something was different this time I was at peace, it wasn’t like I wasn’t hurt at all or sad, but I was at peace because I finally heard God say this to me and he would take care of me. Even though I feel like another failed relationship I do know this much. God has given me a new courage a new boldness, its very hard to explain, I don’t have to depend on anyone making me happy, the thought about having to please others and what other people think of me is gone, see the difference between then and now is I’m heaven minded not focused on the earthly things or people of this world to know that I am loved or accepted. I have an awesome father who loves me and accepts me for who I am and what I have done he has never left me or forsaken me. People will always fail you but God never will. I know now that when the time is right God will put that right person in my life, this time I’m walking in obedience and this time I’m not worried about when its going to happen, in his timing it will be done. So by God’s grace I have overcome alcohol and codependency only through his grace there is no other explanation, I have proven otherwise that I can’t do it on my own. God has been with me every step of this journey he is literally all I have had in this journey and still is, but I know this even when I didn’t think he was there, he was, he was just waiting for me to come to him and be fully submissive to him. If you don’t think miracles can happen I don’t know what else I can say, I am living walking proof that God is real just by me being here and telling you my story, the enemy wanted to destroy my will to share this with you, he instilled fear in me, but God gave me boldness to share this because its not what you think of me that matters its what God thinks of me that matters, even if my story only touches one persons heart, then I have done my job. The good part of the story is just beginning I completely gave my life and my heart to God I mean completely to him, I made a pledge to God and myself that he is taking full control of the wheel of my life and in his timing when he sets the right one in my life I’m saving myself for marriage because I am not worried anymore about people opinions, God is the one opinion that matters.Im telling you this because since I have made this step of faith, God told me to get a place of my own not knowing how I was going to gather the money up so fast, and remember when I said I left everything behind, we did. Just clothes are all we had. I hope this encourages somebody, you need to believe in faith, the big leap of faith, that’s what I did, God rewarded me with the money I needed the very day before I needed to move in and piece by piece he is providing me with what me and Devon need, I am so amazed by how good God is, this is what can happen if we give complete control and walk in obedience with the Lord, he will bless you beyond what you can ever imagine. So I hope that will instill hope in someone’s heart the impossible can come true you just need to take that blind leap of faith and keep pressing on. This program has completely changed my life all by God’s grace. My journey God has given me, he is going to use me to minister to abused woman and children that’s a recovery of life to celebrate. Thank you Jesus!!

Road to Recovery Manifesto   Leave a comment

This post is LOONG over due in being posted, both in the amount of time since my last message and in its content.

Road to Recovery Manifesto

At it’s inception, Road to Recovery was simply a coping skills class offered with the Patient Education program of aBig SpringStateHospital. It utilizes an active, interactive model for sharing and communicating information. The idea initially was to use a holistic approach to addressing recovery in regards to mental illness and substance abuse.

 In the process of interacting with those that attending the class, some seen of which would be discharged and re-admitted, I finally acknowledged something that we all know too well, “there are NOT enough resources available in most communities to adequately support those that are on this journey on a daily basis. That being said, in April of 2010 Road to Recovery took its first steps standing on its own feet with the launch of the Road to Recovery Blog. Not long after that Road to Recovery hit Facebook. Initially as a “Page”, which is actually still active, but then as a “Group”.

 Also in this time of getting up and walking, Road to Recovery has also gone online with Twitter and Tumblr.

 Just a few months ago, Road to Recovery, became its own “profile” on Facebook and within the last 3 weeks has added more than 150 friends, with more being added on a daily basis.

 So what is R2R today?

 Well, Road to Recovery continues to be the persona taken on by this writer with the hopes that through our interactions either personal, one on one, in the blog or other means of communication that you will experience on of the following as a result of that interaction:

  • Enlighten: To me, to enlighten is to share information with others so as to teach them something that they did not previously know, in order to allow them to improve the state of their lives.
  • Encourage: I recently described encouraging as offering a hand to another whom has slipped and fallen along their way and helping them to get back to their feet,
  • Inspire: Continuing from the previous thought, once the individual has gotten back on their feet; to inspire is to walk alongside and urge them on in their journey, rooting them on saying “you can do it”.
  • Instill Hope. To give, to share or impart hope. Hope is the belief that something good will happen and success is possible.
  • Empower: Finally, to empower is to have others come to the realization of the strength and courage that resides within, so as to believe in themselves and their potential for success.

To this day and as long as I am blessed to continue this journey, this will be me mission and my purpose whether it is in face to face interactions or by utilizing modern technology.

However, I have also learned a very valuable lesson through this process, I have come to realize that I am merely A voice. I am not THE Voice. That brings me to the second and probably the more important part of Road to Recovery today.

 I see it as a caring community of travelers who are all on the same journey, striving to overcome our “issues” and be “better” than we were yesterday. 

 We come all parts of this great planet on which we occupy, with all different types of problems including but NOT limited to any of the following:

  • Mental Illness – Depression, Bipolar, Schizophrenia, etc
  • Substance Abuse/Dependence
  • Co-Occurring Disorders – Both of the above at the same time.
  • Eating Disorders
  • Personality Disorders – Borderline, Dependent, Histrionic
  • Trauma – Abuse, PTSD, etc.

 We come together to share of struggles, our victories our joy and our tears. In sharing our experiences, we draw strength from one another, and individually and corporately we are one step further along in our journey. We acknowledge our similarities as well as our differences, respecting both. We will not always see eye to eye, bit we can always accept one another’s opinions and discuss issues and ideas without resorting to personal attacks. 

Every physical road has curves, mountains valleys, pot holes, signs, etc. The same is true in regards to personal recovery process and our growth as a community.

What determines if we are successful in our recovery and maintain our personal and corporate  well-being is how well we navigate these obstacles as we face them on our journey? Just as in driving, if we do not navigate these appropriately we will find ourselves in the bar ditch, or in recovery terms, relapse.

 I hope and pray that as you travel day to day o in your journey of recovery, you will be enlightened, encouraged, inspired, instilled with hope and ultimately empowered to face every curve and obstacle on your ROAD TO RECOVERY.

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